We went public with our adoption dream on Thursday evening, May 12th. It was far more difficult than I had anticipated. It is incredibly humbling to post to hundreds of people that you're asking for money, that you can't do it alone.
There are days that I sit and stare at that giant number, that $40,000 and say, "You must have heard God wrong. This was all a mistake. No one cares that much about you, your silly dream or your 'call from God.'" On those days I usually end my quiet time in tears, pleading for God's voice to be louder than the Enemy (and pray that I'll be met with an encouraging word from someone).
Other days I reflect in quiet moments and God whispers, "Kristi, it's 400 people who are willing to commit $100 to my work. 400 people, do you know 400 people??? I can call them to you. Kristi, it's only 200 people who are willing to give me $200. Trust me to bring you 200." And I walk away feeling like God can do this by tomorrow. Those days I end my quiet time energized to fill out more mountains of paperwork, to encourage my children that their brother IS coming ... to allow myself to start dreaming of English names for our precious son ... To figure out what we won't buy this week so that we can afford the next $179 education fee, or the $500 deposit for a home study. Or the passport renewals ... Or the USCICS processing fees ...
Saturday was a day of the former. A day of doubt where the Devil was whispering, you're on the clock (because we are). We've had our boy on hold so long, waiting for God's clear stamp in the funding department, that we were set to have him "released."
We had done our due diligence. We had met with our doctors; we had composed a thoughtful letter full of promises we meant. But we didn't have $3,000 ... we didn't even have $500. So, on Saturday evening, it felt like our journey would be over before it really had wings. I wept in the van as our Benjamin (on his birthday date with us) sang one of his favorite songs ... "Joy unspeakable that won't go away. Just enough strength to live for today, you'll never have to worry what tomorrow will bring, my faith is on solid rock, I'm counting on God ..." I was counting on God. WE were counting on God. But I was so worried about what tomorrow would bring ... we had scarcely 24 hours before this journey would be halted in its tracks.
When we came home from spending that evening with Benj, our precious friends called. These friends have known this dream, and upheld this dream in prayer. Over the phone they offered, "we want you to take the cash we have on hand. Consider it a personal loan, interest free, LET US invest in God's work in your life. We don't want the process delayed due to money."
I barely managed to get off the phone before dissolving into tears ... There it was ... provision. Not in the way we expected. ... but God made a way. I stayed up way too late Saturday night, scanning every shred of paperwork so that exactly 2 weeks after we received his file, we could accept his referral. As a matter of technicalities, our agency had the paperwork (in digital form) by their prescribed deadline, (with 30 minutes to spare).
Today is a day of hope for us. A day where 400 people with $100 doesn't seem insurmountable. A day where even 200 people with $200 seems like it could happen. But, beyond what we feel, we continue to press in, despite the fear - despite the uncertainty - despite the mountains that wait ahead.
Because we are ... Counting on God.